


This Is What It's Like To Be Ben Solo

by saintmichaelthearchangel



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Gen, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 12:30:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12059037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintmichaelthearchangel/pseuds/saintmichaelthearchangel
Summary: A poem about the life of Ben Solo / Kylo Ren. 1466 words long.





	This Is What It's Like To Be Ben Solo

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for self harm & self hate, as well as grooming

This is what it's like to be Ben Solo.

You are in your mother's womb. The first words you hear are a mysterious whisper. The sounds you hear become your comfort. You learn to love the voice telling you what to do.

You are born. The whispers continue, and your mother is concerned. But the whispers tell you she isn't your real mother. This existence you are living is a lie. A fake life. 

You are named. But 'Ben' isn't your real name. Your real name is Kylo Ren. The whispers tell you that. It makes sense. If your mother saw the real you, she wouldn't name you Ben. She'd see you for who you really are. 

You play with other kids. Do they have voices in their heads? Do they break things? Do they make their mothers fret? You are not scared of the darkness, but you are scared of everyone seeing the real you. 

You hear about your grandfather. The whispers tell you about him. You feel for the first time ever that someone, out there understands you. You don't want to be Ben Solo. You don't want to be Kylo Ren. You want to be Darth Vader. 

You see your parents fight. Are they arguing about me? Your parents get along so well with other children. So why don't they get along well with me? The whispers tell you there is a path out of this pain. You listen closely.

You start to train to be a Jedi. But something's off. Something's not right. The whispers tell you that you are living a lie, that the real you belong in the darkness. So you start to unravel. You start to stress out. You continue to break things. Then people start to see the real you.

You see your parents go away. Your father pretending everything was okay, your mother being constantly anxious- gone. Your mother and father, brother and sister, friend and acquaintance are the whispers. They'll never leave you. Not like everyone else has. 

You continue to pretend to be a Jedi. But you're not really a Jedi. You could never be one. That's another lie your uncle says. All around you- liars. They don't see the real you. The whispers do, and they love the real you. So you love the whispers. 

You have meltdowns. No one understands them. What's wrong with Ben? What's gone wrong? Why is he breaking whatever he sees? You feel anger and hatred. No one feels that way. Except the whispers. They know what it's like to feel that way.

You hear the whispers say instructions. Kill, they say. And you do. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't make you feel strong. But it's right. The whispers will always be wiser, more intelligent, more perceptive than you ever will be. 

You feel your mother's horror. Your father walking further away. Your uncle in despair. People look at you with fear in their expressions. They start to see 'Kylo Ren', not 'Ben Solo'. You pretend to like this. But you know the real truth. 

You wear a black mask for the first time. It distorts your voice, so no one will ever have to hear your whimpers again. No one can see your boyish face. Your black clothes cover your body. No one will see you cry, your pathetic nature, people will only ever see Darth Vader come again.

You meet others in The First Order- but they aren't like you. They aren't crying under their masks. These people aren't your friends. They are busy. So you continue to listen to the whispers, and you wear your black mask. In the past, you once had friends. But as the whispers remind you they weren't your real friends. After all, how could someone be friends with you after they saw the real you?

You kill. You keep their ashes. You relive every moment. Your red saber crackles and is unstable. Like you. The whispers encourage you further. You should be feeling good. Not knowing what to do, you hurt yourself. Once you started you couldn't stop. The sight of your own blood became familiar. 

You watch as the years pass on. Everyone is saying how powerful you are. But you don't feel it. People look more feared in their eyes when they look at you. They must be seeing Vader; you say to yourself as you try to find comfort. The First Order are in charge. You know it's the whispers pulling the strings. You are powerful when it comes to combat, but against them you are powerless.

You think about your parents. More than you would like. They occupy your thoughts. You don’t tell the whispers. It’s your secret shame. So you tell Vader’s mask. He’d understand. He’d get me. You feel that the whispers that once understood you so well now hate you. The truth that you are truly alone creeps in. You always knew it. No one likes the real you.

You continue to break and smash. Sometimes you imagine it’s the whispers. Sometimes you imagine it is your parents. Sometimes you imagine it’s the First Order. But most of the time, you imagine it’s your own face. Just because the mask hides your face from everyone else, doesn’t mean its hidden from you. You still have to see it.

You think about the First Order. Hux is talking about their successes and victories- but all you see and feel is crumbling around. The whispers have deep, complex plans. This doesn’t energise you like it used to. The structure will break eventually. But you broke a long time ago. 

You capture a girl. She’s as lonely as you are. So you take your mask off in front of her. Why? To prove something. You’re not a creature in a mask. That’s what you do. Constantly trying to prove something. But you know people have already made up their minds about you- nothing you do will change how people feel about you. The compassion you feel for her disturbs you. So, you hurt yourself more.

You are on a bridge, and a man’s voice says ‘Ben’. You turn around. It’s your father. You know what you have to do, but you question your strength. The whispers would want you to kill him. But you listen to your father saying he misses you, that he wants you back. Lies, and lies. No one would want you back. No one would miss you. The only voice who loves you are the whispers. Han Solo tells you that you are being used. For a moment- you accept it. 

You entertain the possibility of escape. From this pain. That out there- someone actually cares and loves you. This concept is shocking. The moment is over, and you do what must be done. So your red lightsabre pierces your father. Chewbacca, who once held you is now shooting at you. But that’s not what hurts. What hurts is the relic of your father’s last expression. You know it will haunt you. 

You wait, and you wait. You don’t feel good. You don’t feel powerful. The Dark Side has abandoned you, just like everyone else. But you don’t accept that. So you do what you do best: hurt yourself. But the surge of power never comes. You are forced to live with yourself. There’s no mask to make you feel powerful. All you have is yourself.

You fight the girl. She’s strong. You promise to be her teacher. It sounds good, doesn’t it making promises? Like the whispers did. She rejects you and beats you. You have a scar. Did Darth Vader have a scar? You think about that because as the planet crumbles, so does what is left of you. The mask must’ve burnt by now. You are left for dead, and she leaves. You accept your fate. You don’t want the whispers to know what has happened.

You try to gain the strength to hurt yourself. But you can’t. You try to feel the pain from the scar, but it’s not working. You are in pain, but not the type that helps. Just the type that hurts. You feel shame. Usually the whispers tell you what to do. But you don’t hear the whispers. They have abandoned you. Sure, they’ll come back in the future. But when you really needed them, they were gone. Everyone went away. Everyone left you. Everyone saw the real you, didn’t like it and left. So you wait to die. You want it. Maybe you’ll stop feeling so torn apart. Maybe you’ll be free of this pain.

So you wait to perish in the snow. You don’t. And you are forced to be Ben Solo forever.  


This is what it’s like to be Ben Solo.


End file.
